Remember this post? You know, the one where I gave a shout out to match.com for bringing me my love of a lifetime. In said post, I alluded to the fact that I not only had rules for online dating but also one whopper of a online dating tale. Well dear readers, grab your forever lazy and a glass of wine, because we are about to get. it. on.
Rules for online dating...so you don't end up putting lotion on your skin in a hole in the ground.
1. Don't wink at any guy whose profile picture is a self-portrait of himself, taken via the bathroom mirror. No need for explanation required.
2. Do not respond to any email that includes one or more of the following: 12 year old girl text type shorthand (ex: L8R, 4VR, I12CU), a reference to his love of the "twilight" series, an entrance line of "hey baby," or lines that read similarly to def leppard songs.
3. Don't give away your personal information right off the bat. A man should never know your full name, social security number, address, phone number, and blood type unless he's put a ring on it.
4. Exchange multiple emails before you set up a date.
5. Even better, transition from emails to phone conversations before you set up a date. Is he just heavily breathing in your ear while on the phone? You should probably not go out with him.
5. Don't let him pick you up on the first date. Didn't your mother ever warn you about stranger danger?
6. Have your first date be in a public place, preferably during the day when said place might be crowded and full of potential witnesses.
7. Your first date shouldn't be a dinner date. You aren't a gold digger. Suitable first dates include: skee-ball, outdoor activities, or an afternoon or post-work drink.
8. Notice I said afternoon drink, not afternoon drinkS. No one likes a sloppy drunk girl, unless he's just trying to get it in. In that case, you'd be better off advertising your willingness on craigslist with a suitable rose amount.
9. Bring cash. Always offer to split the bill. Now, if he actually takes you up on your offer and makes you go halvies-kick him to the curb. His momma should have raised him better than that.
10. Speaking of gentlemanly attributes, and if you are seriously looking for a guy to spend the rest of your life with, don't settle for someone who doesn't open the door for you.
Previously mentioned whopper of a match.com story:
Best. Date. Ever. in typical list form.
1. Girl meets potential suitor on match.com
2. Girl emails back and forth with suitor. For the sake of this list, let's call him Scuba Steve or SS for short.
3. Girl progresses to phone convos with SS.
4. Girl sets up date with SS. Date was at nearby sushi restaurant. I know, I just broke my own rule. But I did drive myself.
5. Girl meets SS at sushi eatery.
6. Girl notices that SS isn't as attractive as his pictures made him out to be. (Red Flag number 1)
7. Girl and SS get table. While girl is sliding into table, SS takes a $20 out of his wallet and throws it to her. (Red Flag number 2)
8. Girl questions why she is being showered with cash money.
9. SS explains that "it's for later." (Red Flag number 3)
10. "It's for later?" Girl inquires
11. SS backpedals..."You know, if we go to tha clubs, you can pay for yourself to get in."
12. Girl declines, returns money to SS.
12. SS pouts. (Red Flag number 4)
12. Girl and SS order sushi. SS goes buck wild and orders unusual sushi pieces including sea urchin.
13. Girl and SS attempt to make small talk. At one point, SS tells girl that "...she must be bored. Girls only play with their hair when they are bored..." proceeds to tell girl that he feels like he's doing terribly on the date and doesn't know how to save it.
14. SS gets sushi. Obviously is displeased with sea urchin chunks. Makes a scene. (Red Flag number 5)
15. Date is dying. Dying badly.
16. SS realizes that this is going nowhere. Lays his head down on the dinner table. Does not look up for at least 7 minutes. When he does look up, he retreats to the bathroom. Appears to be on the verge of tears. (Red Flag number 6)
17. Girl contemplates leaving while SS is in bathroom but doesn't want to be heartless.
18. After SS gets himself together, returns to table.
19. Worst (but most talked about) date ever finally concludes.
I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. Thank heavens for the boy.